ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.