Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
They got a point!
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs