Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
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Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy