my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
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another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Come back with a warrant
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
mariah carrie
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that