“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
wtf is a larm clock?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub