What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.