If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
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“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants