It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.