Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Leaving the Barbers like
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign