So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
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good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
eggs benadryl
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters