My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.