Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them