I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You Might Also Like
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.