If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”