I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I’m tired tomorrow.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone