With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE