“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”