reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
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My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame