Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
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You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning