Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
You Might Also Like
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!