Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
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Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water