Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.