every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
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Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
A completely valid reaction tbh
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!