[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…