Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
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Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
B
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally