Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
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Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together