I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
You Might Also Like
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Breaking news:
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Cake safety first. Always.