PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.