One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
smh
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.