Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
You Might Also Like
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I love it all
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion