TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
You Might Also Like
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud