A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Kids: Stay in school.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!