If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[montage of me giving-up]
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
a lot to unpack here
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.