you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.