This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore