I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background