*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Comparing yourself to others
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Sounds like a bargain
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh