“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.