friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
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“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨