one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
so weird how every mom was born today
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’m calling the cops.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?