wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.