When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
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Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
respect
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
buying dead houseplants to save time
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
😆this is so true
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”