*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
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I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.