If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.