Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
You Might Also Like
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila