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Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.