[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
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911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.