Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.