me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
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Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.