As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.